Modeling the Way

 My father  modeled how to lead a reflective, connected and meaningful life for me.  He passed away over seven years ago and following his death he was still modeling the way for me through the 70+ letters he wrote to me over the course of my life. I find myself reading and re-reading these letters in the years since he died.  They are filled with the wisdom he modeled when he was alive and, just like the wisdom he shared with me in person, the wisdom in his letters guide me today as a parent, worker, spouse and community member.

My father once told me the only question you need to ask yourself is "how do I want to spend my time?" Its not about how much money you want to make, what kind of a title you aspire to have, what kind of a degree you want to earn, but rather, it is about how you want to use the one precious thing that is common to all of us - time. What do you want to be doing with your time? That should guide your decisions. I have used that question throughout my life and told it to my children and countless friends and colleagues. It fundamentally changes the way you approach living your life. Focusing on how I wanted to spend my time led me to work part-time for eighteen years of my professional life, it led me to turn down jobs that would take me away from my family at a time when I wanted to be able to go home to them every evening. It led my husband and I to buy a small home so that our mortgage would never rule our lives and employment choices.

My father told me years ago that one of the most important things to be able to do in your professional life is to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Take the time to understand someone else's perspective in a situation before you react. He modeled this himself in his work as a psychiatrist and I have done that throughout my career.

My father modeled for me how to love, to really, really love someone and let them know in no uncertain terms. He used to look me in the eye and say to me - "Do you know what it really means when I say I love you to you?  I really, really mean it. I. Love.You." Wow. Words matter. I have never hesitated to verbalize my love for the people I love. I pause and say the words and look right at them so I know they understand the depth of my love for them.

Moments matter too. After dad became ill with the Alzheimer's disease that took his life, he would say to me, "Stop. Experience this moment with me. Life is precious, this is previous." I think of that when I am with my own kids and husband and in all the random moments in my life. Waiting for the bus on a beautiful morning, enjoying a project I am working on and even feeling down - it shows me I am alive and being in the world.

I make sure that his lessons are passed on to my own children. I often tell them what grandpa Doug would have said to them in a situation or at an important time in their lives. I have read his letters and shared the wisdom in them through my own letters to my kids in college. It takes time and patience to adjust to your new life in college. I have told my nieces and nephews his wisdom about the college experience - "The purpose of the adventure is to find your way." I tell that to myself all the time now as I enter a new phase of my adventure and go back to graduate school and become an empty nester.

My dad modeled the way for me in more ways than I can say. He is a powerful force in my life and one that continues to guide me even now that he is gone.

The final verses of the song Wanting Memories by Ysaye M. Barnwell describe this very well:

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me

to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.

I thought that you were gone, but now I know you're with me.

You are the voice that whispers all I need to hear.

I know a "Please", a "Thank you", and a smile will take me far.

I know that I am you and you are me, and we are one.

I know that who I am is numbered in each grain of sand.

I know that I am blessed,

again, and again, and again, and again,

and, again.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me

to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me

To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.

Inspiring a Shared Vision

 I am currently leading a group in forming a shared vision for a position at my place of worship. I was asked to lead a group working to bring two ministries together - children's ministries and adult education. Both have been strong and separate ministries for many, many years led by two different pastors so bringing these two together under one newly created director position will be difficult. The positions are coming together due to retirements that provided the chance to rethink how this work can be accomplished in the church.

In thinking about this post this situation came immediately to mind for me. I thought there was a shared vision when I was asked to lead the team. They had met several times over the summer to discuss the new position and how to bring the two groups together. When I asked what the vision for the position was I was told it was in development. I was shocked during my first meeting with the team to see open arguments break out between the two groups with "them" vs. "us" language and everyone trying to protect what was (and is no more) vs. creating an inspired shared vision for the future.

The culture within this community of faith is one of collaborative leadership. While this new position will report to one designated leader, it is the work of this team of church members (volunteers) to come together and define the vision vs. having one leader create it and inspire others.

In our case it was clear that the group had to back up to find common ground for building their shared vision. As this is a religious organization the most effective way to do this was to find common ground through our shared faith. Each person was asked to find a biblical text that represented the foundation of the work they had been involved in - children's ministry or adult education. Each person cares deeply about the work they are involved in and this was a good way to tap into that passion. The group has eight team members (nine including the facilitator) and each was able to bring a passage that held meaning for them to the next discussion. It was clear there was a shared vision buried in the foundation of each of these separate ministries - the desire for growth in faith whether you were a child or an adult. Once the group started to see that they opened up to each other and were willing to work together.

The group was able to start a conversation about what a shared vision of educational ministry across their two areas could look like. This work is happening real time with the team working to finalize their shared vision so they can move forward to find someone to bring the vision to life. A working version of the shared vision is included below:



all

 

!



!!

"

XYZ's vision for faith formation is grounded in our baptismal promise to love, encourage, and support all people as beloved children of God, no matter their age or stage in their faith journey. The goodness of God is at the heart of our shared lives together, and we work together to build a multigenerational community in which all are welcome and loved. We strive to create a community of learners and leaders where all are encouraged to listen and seek, be challenged in their walk with God and one another, and where all may find belonging.

The Spirit is calling this congregation, in this place and at this time, to reimagine our telling presence in the city so that children and adults alike will experience encouragement and creativity in their spiritual and intellectual development.

The group is slowly moving toward deeper and deeper acceptance and buy-in of this vision. They have dropped the "them" vs. "us" language and have started to focus on the collaborative space they are in to built this multigenerational community that can learn together throughout their lives. I  see how powerful and necessary it is for the full team to share in this vision and how important it is to inspire them to work toward it together.

When the group started their work by focusing on the tactical vs. the vision they came into conflict and ground to a halt. But once the focus shifted to inspiring a shared vision they could all support, the doors opened up and the collaboration began.

For me this has been a timely and relevant example of how crucial it is to inspire a shared vision for any leader or leadership team. It is vital to the work.



all

 

!



!!

"